TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let us have One more place the place American Adult males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he should end using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You already know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It's not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Features


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting notice from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have flip-down provider."


An additional write-up Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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